Ape Cave People

For years, the gray skies of the Pacific Northwest offered only rain to the people below. A long night followed every desolate day and the people’s hope faltered. Even the Earth begged for some respite from eternal drizzle, but to no avail.

One day a man from that country sat on the edge of his soggy bed, with his soggy feet in his soggy socks, and in a moment of desperation he wished he could crawl into his own mouth to take refuge from the rain, for it was dryer in there than in his home.  He decided he had had enough. He gathered a group of four friends and one world-class photojournalist, and together they made the vow to set things right, to seek out the hidden place where Spring was bound and to set her free.

Our heroes. Please disregard the blue sky in this photo.

They journeyed for a long time, and met many obstacles… but the cameraman had his mind on higher things, so we don’t have any documentation of that. Then they arrived at the mouth of a great cave ruled by apes, the Ape Cave. Ten thousand apes armed with every manner of weapon poured from the mouth of the cave, and our four heroes fought a heroic battle. And The cameraman fought so heroically, and so blindingly outshone his fellow combatants, that he missed for the second time his chance to take photos, so we have to trust in the historical record that has been passed down to us.

Cole, Lauren, Jacob, and Emily

Then down, into the cave they went, where the darkness was so thick that they needed a flashlight to see a candle-flame. But one of our heroes brought the light of ages that outshines all other lights: the Coleman lantern. (Propane burning, not the liquid fuel variety.)

I smell trouble.

Are we done yet?

After a series of earth-shattering selfies and non-selfies with the lantern, all evil forces in the cave were dispelled and the four moved onward towards their goal. But it was still dark in the cave, and very drippy (on account of all the rain above-ground) so our photographer again neglected his photography duties.

At last, in the very deepest recesses of the cave, they found a blinding beam of Spring sunlight, and knew that they had accomplished their end. All that remained was to break the bonds of the infernal prison. They saw the determination and purity of heart in one another, and with a series of thunderous high-fives, shattered the walls of the underground cell and set Spring free at last.

And that’s the story of how after years in the making, my brother and I finally made good on our promise to go see the Ape Caves. Cole, Lauren, and Emily came along and we made a great day of it. It’s a beautiful spot if you’re ever in the area.

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